Youthfulness
My wife is leaving,
but not even the name of that smile on her lips as people have told me to
soothe my heart. It's just a skeleton. Her horrible appearance shows that she
is suffering from a deadly disease and is afraid of death. In her eyes, for me,
the place of pleasure and love is now alienation and hatred, I deserved it. The
reason for this hatred is the unborn child whose head still appears to be stuck
in the bones of her body, which caused her death.
Who would have thought that my wife would hate me when she
died? What I raised to save him from pain and death, but no. I caused her
death, I caused her pain and sorrow, there is no end to the ignorance and
stupidity of men.
But it is also not correct to say that I was a victim of
ignorance and stupidity. Yes, this is completely wrong.
I was caught in the clutches of arrogance, which I confess.
We were married at an age when we could not even understand each other's
feelings. But I don't want to blame fate for the accident that happened later,
or circumstances over which I had no control.
I never fell in love with my wife and how could I? We were
in two different spheres of life.
My wife in the narrow, dark streets of old and I in the
clean and wide paved streets of the new. But when I went to other countries and
stayed away from it for many years, sometimes my heart was restless for it. She
was in her small stable old castle, and I was fed up with life's medicine, vain
and useless love affairs, and sometimes I dreamed of this pure and faithful
woman who would give me everything without any compensation. Was ready for
When I had this condition, I would have eagerly wanted to
meet her. I was once in such a state that I received a letter from her. I
became restless and immediately walked 6,000 miles home. She wrote in the
letter:
"I just took out your letter from under the pillow and
read it." Too short. Maybe you will be busy with yourself, but well I have
no complaints about it, just let me know your goodness and you stay good and
happy, that's enough for me.
Ever since I've been sick except to remember you and think
of the weird things and the new people
you'll meet there, I have no more work to do, so I can't get out of bed. What
do I think? Sometimes it is fun and sometimes it hurts a lot. When people talk
about my health and sympathize with me and give me this advice, I get very
upset. These people don't even have it. Understand what disease I have.
They only take pity on my condition for their comfort. Even
if it is a burden on my parents, they will think in their heart that despite my
marriage, I am so unlucky that I have embraced them. As a result, I always try
not to express too much frustration and sadness, and my parents try to show
that they are very hesitant and worried about my illness.
The purpose is structure on both sides. I don't want to
complain to you about anything and I don't want to be harmed in your work.
Don't forget me and sometimes write a letter, that's enough for me and
sometimes I think you should stay away from me. I'm afraid I'll lose you, just
as I've been the stranger here since I was sick.
Seeing my bad condition day and night, don't let your heart
turn away from me. From there, you can only imagine it and I can imagine you as
the perfect love that my heart desires.
When I received this letter, a wave of love ran through me,
even though she was ill and sick, but it was my duty to put it on my chest, I
wanted to prove that in my love Nothing can stand in the way, I wanted her to
know that I was the perfect messenger he was looking for, I found myself guilty
and evil and he was innocent and pure, as she was with me. Being humble and
serving me, it was my duty to treat her the same.
With that in mind, I quit my job and walked home.
I was just on my way when my emotions started to change.
That pure passion of the beginning completely disappeared and my thoughts
started running towards the small things of the day, for example, how will I
find a way to earn a living, I will continue to meet some of my friends. How
can I meet my father-in-law and mother-in-law, talk to them clearly or be rude
to them, and so on?
Not only did I have the same desire to meet my wife as
before, but also the problems of daily life put an end to my longings and
desires. Upon reaching home, these issues turned into disgusting realities from
which it was impossible to avoid. The charms of the old days that I had
imagined in my mind were nowhere to be found. Instead, I found myself locked in
a narrow, dark, dirty, cruel and ignorant world, the people at the station.
Most of the people who came to see me were idiots, bullies, narrow-minded and
useless people, they all welcomed me with great joy, I was seated, the
sentences were hurled at me, the same old obscene jokes were made and the
faults of others. Gambled
Meetings and invitations continued for several days.
Somewhere after that I got rid of these people. In the meantime, I was able to
see my wife only for a short time. But her oily hair, her emaciated body and
pale face; I used to come across it again and again during invitations, dance
and anthem meetings and conversations here and there.
When all the guests left, I went to my wife and sat on the
bed next to her.
She lay still and did not look up at me. For a while I
watched his chest fluctuate with every breath. Then I took his weak hand in
mine and for a while we both sat in silence. Then I said: "Take it, now I
have come to you, do some talk, why are you so quiet?" He replied,
"What can I say, well you have come.
"It simply came to our notice then. I remembered what I
had planned in the beginning and I quickly said:
"Wow, I have a lot to say to you. Tell me what you have
been doing and how you have been doing for so many days that I have not been
here. You have not talked to me for so many days. I remember you once wrote to
me in a letter that you are looking for a partner.
I am that person and now I have come to you to be with you
at all times and never be separated from you. "
But all my efforts were in vain. It was clear from my words
that they were as good as memorized lessons and they did not satisfy my wife.
For a while I hoped he probably didn't realize it. But she picked up my hat in
panic and began to shake hands with me and then started talking in such a way
that I became convinced of my failure.
He said, "What shall I say?" Here it is like day
and night but why are you silent? You may have had new experiences, important
ones before. You tell me all these things, weird weird things there, all kinds
of machines, all kinds of people, new life, you used to write that you don't
have time to write to me about them all, but now you I have, now is your time.
"
Knowing this, he attacked my self-consciousness. Now I know
that years of separation made absolutely no difference in our relationship. We
were still as unfamiliar with each other as before and stood like strangers on
two different banks of the same
`` /river. He started
cheating with the other.
I said, "Yes, yes, I have a lot to talk to you about.
We have to decide what we will do together."
But first you get better quickly, when you get better then
we will talk about it, now you should rest quietly, you do not stress your
heart and mind, the reason for my coming You are probably tired of it. Please
relax and don't think too much, good man, I'm going now, you go to sleep.
"
I let go of his hand and got up and left.
After that, I didn't try to get in touch with him, and I
didn't talk about anything in particular. Once or twice a day he would go to
see her, find out how she was doing, and after a couple of such things he would
leave and get busy with his work. Coincidentally, my work was not going well
these days and I had plenty of time.
Gradually I started living in the company of my old friends
again and their nonsense and useless habits also came to me.
Card games, alcohol and nonsense continued. We also
considered ourselves music experts and became patrons of the city's famous
singers. In such a situation, I also had a woman. These are the tricks we used
to live meaningless and pointless lives. Those of us who traveled abroad used
to terrorize others by telling them stories of our youth and love.
But I couldn't get rid of my wife. Because of her poor
health, I had a lot of letters to check her mood and a series of friends and
relatives. Someone would advise me, someone would humiliate me, someone would
comfort me, someone would express sympathy, all these things made my life
miserable. My mother-in-law and father-in-law were very open about my
independence, they were afraid that I would leave their daughter at all.
On the other hand, my mother was in Egypt in the morning and
evening to marry me again. Two groups in the family had strong enmity with each
other. Both of them were trying to attract me all the time.
But despite my mother's insistence, I did not agree to
remarry. Eventually people began to doubt my manhood and started making all
sorts of gossips.
I did not get rid of it and I decided that something must be
done.
I went to my father-in-law and said:
"Your daughter is not sick at all. All these are
excuses to stop her here. I'll take it with me. "
I also said to my wife:
"You're not sick at all, at least not as sick as the
people here want to tell you. It's all your parents' trick. It's not hidden
from you. You're walking with me. Then you know." What disease do you
have?"
She didn't understand my outspokenness, but after a little
repetition she agreed to walk with me.
We both took a long journey, and went to live in the distant
mountains to take a long walk in the dry and fresh air of the snow.
When my wife recovered a few days later, I brought her home.
It was an occasion of great pride for me when my friends and relatives saw us.
But doubts remained in their hearts, they wanted something
else for the whole proof. But I was confident of my victory. Month after month
passed slowly and my wife's belly grew.
My condition was like that of a gardener who sees the buds
blooming on the trees he has planted. Every day, every moment, my success would
become more visible.
But my wife kept quiet. I think the cause is probably
maternal anxiety and worry. Eventually she began to suffer. There was a world
of anguish and anxiety for hours. The body was in great pain and in no way was
it calm. Even the soul seemed to be sighing and crying. But her loneliness and
anguish, her sighs and groans were all proof of my youthfulness.
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